Friday, January 20, 2017

Palpatine's Coronation


Guest post by Zav Pulsar, BrightStar News

Earlier this afternoon in a special session of the Galactic Senate, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine declared himself Emperor, reforming the Republic into a Galactic Empire. The Senate reaction to this declaration was mostly positive, with the exception of a few minor planets already known for promoting dangerously radical policies.

Emperor Palpatine emphasized his platform of increased security from outside threats, a stronger military, and the elimination of a group of religious extremists who have been enemies of the state since this afternoon. When asked about the need for such an extreme measure as forming an empire, the Emperor assured reporters that his information about the threats we face--which must remain secret--is absolutely true, and that we can all take his word for it.

Some alarmists have spoken out against the idea of such an authoritarian and militaristic move. In a press conference after the Emperor's self-coronation, His Exaltedness attempted to assuage their unfounded fears.

"Our enemies respond to strength, and that's what we're going to show them. Take this new line of ships the Galactic News Net has been all worked up about, the Star Destroyers. That's just a name! They're destroyers that travel between stars, that's all." He chuckled. "Trust me, we can't destroy stars. We can't even destroy planets, just yet."

Our illustrious Emperor gave other examples of the improvements he will be implementing immediately, such as:

  • "Clone Troopers" will now be known as “Stormtroopers.” (The emphasis of “storms” over “clones” clearly representing a renewed focus on traditional values and environmentalism.)
  • Citizens should no longer feel obligated to say "May the force be with you." In fact, no one should say this anymore, ever. It is now classified hate speech.
  • Aliens on the capital world of Coruscant will now receive special treatment. All aliens, report to the lowest level of the city you live in and await further instructions.

The wise and mighty Emperor Palpatine did not comment on the holo-video that surfaced yesterday, apparently showing him firing some sort of electrical energy out of his fingertips and into a protocol droid after it dropped his soup. Despite the alarmist reaction of some other news networks, most citizens are unconcerned. As Outer Rim nerf herder Grav Gonnel said, "Aw, that's just somethin' that happens sometimes. Even the best of men slip up now 'n then. Besides, it was just a droid."

Responding to this issue and other criticisms leveled against our glorious Emperor, local businessman and CEO Janus Stargrafter said that critics of Palpatine should "just give him a chance." He added, "It's been less than a day since the man declared himself emperor! These whiners are judging him prematurely."

We here at BrightStar News pledge to remain open-minded and objective, and we wish magnificent Emperor Palpatine (dare we say "The First"?) all the success in the galaxy.

(Editorial note: We are also pleased to announce that BrightStar News has been chosen as the official, exclusive reporting agency for the Empire. We regret that our long-time competitors at Galactic News Net will not be reporting alongside us, as they are currently occupied with their recent financial and legal troubles.)